Life reality...

Never once in my life I've ever imagined that I'd have to face such strong torrent of emotions like what I had to face when I witnessed my best friend's death in September 2014 and my cousin's death recently. Both died because of cancers. 

My late best friend took things lightly and overlooked all the initial symptoms of cancer and I was a fool not to suspect anything too. When she discovered it was cancer, it was too late, it was already stage 4. I didn't want to believe the doctors who said that she only had months to live. I told my late friend not to trust the doctors. Knowing nothing much about cancer, I found myself being an immediate researcher, searching for all the information I could find on the internet about different types of cancers and the cures. I was truly desperate at that time. I googled and searched for all the alternative cures I could get for my friend. In my desperation I forced her to try all the supplements and alternative medicines I bought for her, not to mention the trips we made to get alternative treatments available at different places, recommended by different people. Nothing worked and the thoughts of losing her and the endless worries that I had inside of me became unbearable. I was depressed and I didn't know how to be positive anymore. I didn't want to cry in front of her as I wanted her to be strong. That was really ironic because deep inside I felt so weak, I felt as though my heart could burst or explode anytime, but I faked it for her sake. I was still hoping for some miracles to happen and kept telling her not to give up hope. My late friend was really strong in enduring the pain in silence. She never complained and her calmness scared me even more. I knew she had sleepless days and nights and her tumor kept growing bigger and her belly looked like she was 9 months pregnant. I saw her slowly withered as she began to lose her appetite. Her once plump body became thin and her chubby face had slowly shrunk. Later, she was too weak to even walk on her own. I felt totally helpless. I didn't want her to die. When she was too weak and lying on her deathbed, she could no longer open her eyes or speak, but she could hear me. It was a moment I can never forget in my life. I was really panicked when I saw her gasping for her last breath, but managed to teach her syahadah, the Muslim profession of faith that "there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is the messenger of Allah." My only best friend passed away at 2.20pm on 23rd September 2014. We became friends on 23rd September 2005.

My late cousin sister was younger than me and she was a nurse. We were quite close as she grew up in front of my eyes. My aunt really loves her as she's her first born after 4 years of marriage. My late cousin sister and my aunt came to my house last year- 1st January 2015. It was the first day of New Year and my late cousin came straight into my room and kept crying. She never behaved in such a manner as she's a cheerful person. I tried to calm her down but she didn't want to stop crying. At last she broke the news, she was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor wanted to do further examinations to determine the stage of her cancer. This is important so as to know the possible treatments for her. It was only 3 months after my best friend's death and I had to hear this shocking bad news. After further examinations it was found that she had stage 4 colon cancer and she had to undergo colostomy surgery. In her case, the doctor was not able to sew the 2 ends of the colon back together because there was a  tumor at the end of her rectum. Thus, a stoma (an opening) was made on the outside of her body for waste to pass through where a bag was placed around the stoma to collect the waste. My late cousin detested the idea of having to use this colostomy bag for the rest of her life but she had no other options. Not long after the operation, she had to undergo chemotherapy sessions. We were hoping and praying for the best. I was praying hard that her tumor would shrink and she could be cured. The trips to the hospital seemed endless. She managed to brave through all the 12 chemo sessions, and the side effects only to be told by the doctor that the chemo was only to help stop the spread of the cancer cells and could not help to shrink her tumor. I had to undergo the same painful moments I felt when my late best friend was fighting cancer. How could I not? I saw the same things taking place. The only difference I can recall is that I was more prepared mentally to accept her death. I openly talked about death to my late cousin, something I would never ever mention to my late best friend. I wanted her to be close to Allah. I never gave up hope but I guess I was being realistic and practical. She could understand and she would listen to my endless tazkirah, reminders, attentively. I'm not a very pious person but I could see the signs as I had seen when my late friend was dying. When my late cousin was dying, she was given high doses of morphine because she was in great pain constantly. Lying on her deathbed, her eyes were half opened but she was not responding. If you have watched Harry Potter, she looked as though she was under a spell, petrified. She couldn't lift her arms or even move her fingers. Alhamdulillah, she could still hear us. I could see tears welled up a little in her eyes as I whispered in her ear. I told her to be strong and calm. Allah loves her. I was by her side from morning till midnight, reciting yaasin, Surah in Quran, and taking turns with my cousins, sister and aunt teaching her syahadah till the end of her life. She passed away at 1.55am on 27 Feb 2016, at the age of 29, leaving behind a 2-year-old daughter.  Honestly, I was drained mentally, emotionally and physically that night and I could no longer cry. Perhaps, being practical and rational, I realised that my tears wouldn't bring her back to life.

How should I feel or What should I feel now? I don't know. I'm not sure and I don't want to know. All I know is that we're all mortal and so deaths come to us in different forms. May Allah give us good life in this world and in the Hereafter.

MLPML